He’s just mad because he can’t acquire all the apple juice that I’m acquiring. (x)

(Reblogged from standupcomedyblog)
You and your mom are hillbillies, this is a house of learned doctors.
Step Brothers 
When people talk about how Lupita is “articulate,” … the lady has an MFA from Yale and speaks 4 languages. Maybe you’re just racist.
(Reblogged from cognitivedissonance)

When you’re a lady and you kick the toilet seat down in a public restroom and it’s sounds exactly to the intro to Bel Biv Devoe’s Poison.

I don’t so much “eat” a grapefruit, as I completely devour it in an intense and disgusting fashion until all that’s left are tiny withered pieces of pulp that resemble the poor unfortunate souls. 


Thank You Notes: The Bachelor, Kate Upton’s Instagram, Barry Bonds

I was in the audience for this on Friday - it was one of the cooler things I’ve experienced, the studio is so beautiful and full of magic!

(Reblogged from fallontonight)

Deep thoughts during this mornings commute


I don’t know if this is a cow or a man in a cow costume and oh my god please help I’m so confused. [x]

(Reblogged from pleatedjeans)